What Do You Do With a Governor's Daughter?
by JadeSparrow33
Summary: Oneshot. Three men discuss what to do with the woman who broke their hearts. Or the closest Jack has to a heart. A kidney, maybe. General OOCness abounds. Post DMC.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, the ships, the Caribbean or the Ends of the Earth. Basically, I own nothing-none of this is intended to infringe on copyright or anything like that.**

OK, so Barbossa, Will, and Elizabeth have sailed to the Ends of the Earth to reclaim Jack and the _Black Pearl_, and for some reason got the _Pearl_ first. This story is what happens as soon as Jack climbs aboard.

Will sat in a corner and sighed. This was it, then. He had unsuccessfully tried to win Elizabeth back on the voyage, but it seemed even Barbossa had more of a chance than him. He remembered the conversation they had when the crew first set out.

"Will, you just aren't… _exciting_ anymore." Elizabeth said. "My father sort of approves of you, and the forbidden love connection isn't there. It would be like…like if I married Norrington! On the other hand, Jack is… well, who would expect the governor's daughter to be married to one of the most fearsome pirates in the Caribbean?"

"So… what you're saying is… _because_ I've won the sort of approval of your father and society in general, you aren't in love with me anymore?"

Elizabeth stared at him. "Yes."

Well, at least she was blunt.

A fangirlish squeal broke him out of his reflections. It was Elizabeth, and Jack had just climbed aboard.

Jack's eyes widened in horror as he was attacked by Elizabeth. "Jack! I'm so glad you're back! I'm really sorry about the whole chaining you to the mast thing, I mean, _I_ couldn't have been eaten by the Kraken, right?"

Jack gave her a look like she was out of her mind. 'Why not?' he was thinking, but he was starting to loose air from Elizabeth's choke hold and decided not to waste his breath.

"ANYWAY," Elizabeth said. "Now we can get married!"

Jack's eyes bugged. "Married?" he managed to choke out.

Elizabeth let him go so she could give him a cold stare. "Yes, married." She said, her words turning Jack's goatee into icicles.

Jack frantically looked around. "B-b-but what about-" his gaze caught the blacksmith in the corner. "Will? The one who braved danger to save you? The one whose love guided you to the Chest of Davy…" he trailed off as he saw Elizabeth wasn't fazed.

"Oh, poor William already knows about us," Elizabeth said, "and I'm sure we shall remain dear friends. Besides," she said, turning on her seduction voice, "the Compass points to you. Watch." She grabbed it from Jack's belt as Jack made a little whimpering noise.

Jack tentatively took a position near Elizabeth for maximum Compass viewing. It was indeed pointing towards him. He inched a little to the right. The point followed. He inched more to the right. It still followed. He went to the other side of the Compass, then slowly peered over the lid. It was still pointing at him.

All the swearwords Jack knew came clamoring towards his mouth, but hit a gridlock to get to his tongue, so finally all he could say was "Rats."

"I'm sorry?" Elizabeth said, the knives in her tone of voice narrowly missing the pirate captain and burying themselves in the wood behind him.

"Uh, That's! As in, That's Wonderful!" Jack said. Elizabeth smiled again. "Now, uh," Jack continued, "you don't mind if I talk to dear William for a moment, do you?"

Elizabeth's smile disappeared. "Fine." and she flounced off.

Jack heaved a sigh of relief and headed towards the blacksmith.

"Hullo, mate!" Jack said, trying to sound winning.

Will looked up at him with the saddest eyes Jack had ever seen. "Go away, Jack." He said, and turned away.

"Will, look, sorry about the _Dutchman_ con. Not my best plan, but I was in a pinch. I knew I'd defeat Davy Jones before you got barnacles on you."

"Why are you apologizing for that when you took away my one true love?" Will asked, racked with torment.

"'Cause I know you'll never forgive me, aye?" Jack said. Then he looked back and forth before leaning down towards Will and saying, very quietly. "And I don't want her."

Will looked up with hatred in his eyes. "Why you…"

"Pirate." Jack said, straightening up. "Wenches all the way, savvy? Can you imagine me, on the _Pearl_ sailing off to my next adventure, and hearing," he cleared his throat and went into a high falsetto, "'Oh Jack, dear, do you mind picking up some milk? And be sure to be home by Tuesday!' Or 'Jack, why are you always sailing away? Why don't you ever spend time with me anymore?'" Jack shuddered at the thought. "I don't think I can deal with that, mate. Undead pirates, Davy Jones, and being digested by the beastie are all better than that!"

"Or she could come with you on your voyages," a random passing pirate said conversationally.

Jack's left eye twitched. "No." he said quietly, "That would be terrible." He spent a moment staring off into space, contemplating the horrors of a wife aboard ship. Then he came back to Earth and leaned over to the suffering Will. "So you want her back?"

Will straightened up. "Not really," he said. "She's broken too many promises to too many men. I do not want to set myself up for that again." He paused, then said, "Where's Norrington when you need him…"

"Right here." The newly restored Commodore was standing on the edge of the ship, a grappling hook by his feet. He jumped on the deck and strode over to the two men. "Now why did you need me?"

"Um…" Will looked helplessly over at Jack, wondering how to say it tactfully.

Jack huffed. "Look, Norry,"

"Sparrow, you know I hate that name," James sighed.

"Which is why I enjoy using it, mate." Jack grinned.

James rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, back to business." Jack said. "The point is, neither Will nor I want Elizabeth."

"Oh." James said, looking confused. "Really?"

"Yes," Will responded. "So, we were, uh, wondering, if, um…"

Now Jack rolled his eyes. "We want to pawn her off on you, mate," he said, "Aren't you lucky."

"Um, no, actually," James said. "I've moved on."

"You _what_?" Jack and Will asked incredulously.

"What, did you expect me to swear to never love again and throw myself into my career until I've utterly ruined my life?"

"Um, you kind of did that already." Will said.

"Right." James looked a little embarrassed. "But that was just a phase. I'm seeing quite a nice girl in Port Royal…" his eyes misted over.

Jack cleared his throat, and James jumped. The three stood there awkwardly for a moment.

Will broke the silence. "Well, we must do _something_."

"So…" James said, "_Captain_ Sparrow, do you have a plan?"

Jack smiled evilly, his gold teeth glinting in the sun. "Actually I do. But I'm going to need both your help."

Will's eyes lit up as Jack explained the plan. "Jack, that's brilliant!"

James nodded. "I will admit you have your moments, Sparrow."

"Of course I do, Norry." Jack said.

The eye rolling muscles in James' head were getting tired.

A few moments later, the three men carried a screaming Elizabeth to the side of the boat.

"One," Jack grinned.

"Two," James winked.

"Three," Will said, eyes sparkling.

"And HEAVE!" all three shouted together, and they threw Elizabeth over the edge of the ship and the end of the world.

"And you're sure she won't come back?" James asked, dusting off his hands.

"I'm not coming back here." Jack said.

"Me neither!" added Will emphatically.

"Arr! And neither shall I!" Barbossa said.

The three looked at each other, then looked at Barbossa, then looked at each other again and shrugged.

"Poker on Tuesdays?" Jack asked.

"We'll need a fourth," Will said.

"Gibbs'll do. The man has the worst poker face in the world."

"Splendid." James said. "I had best be getting back. I shall see you both on Tuesday." He waved, then disappeared over the side to his ship.

"Mr. Turner," Jack said. "Are you doing anything important in the next few months?"

"I heard Beckett ruined my life in Port Royal." He answered. "Until we can get that fixed, I was thinking of staying on the _Pearl_ for awhile."

"Good call, mate," Jack clapped him on the back, and they walked down to the brig to discuss how to get the _Black Pearl_ from Barbossa.

The End!

A/N: Sorry to any Elizabeth fans out there- I myself was a huge one until the second movie. Now she just seems like a Mary Sue- everyone falling in love with her, perfect swordsman skills (yes, I know Will taught her, but come on, she can't be THAT good) and random marionette skills… Anyway, hopefully she'll redeem herself in the third. Thanks for reading!


End file.
